From the time I was 9 years old, I have been on a journey to find myself. I grew up in Clifton Forge, Virginia. At 9 years old I discovered basketball. I spent time before school, at recess and after school playing "ball" with the boys.
My mom wanted me to act like a girl and not play with the boys. I was called a "tomboy" instead of an athlete, but I didn't care. Basketball was something I was good at and I was accepted by the guys as a player. It was my first experience of acceptance, being my own person and of positive self expression.
I spent countless hours on the basketball court honing my skills. As a result there was little time left to do anything else. I had very few close friends. My parents did not get along and they often argued when my dad came home from his job as a maitre'd at the Homestead. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, and the disciplinarian in our household, which she ran with an iron fist. She was often upset with my sister, my dad, or me, for one reason or another. Basketball was my means of escaping from our chaotic household. I was always in trouble for playing basketball and not coming home in time for dinner, not doing my chores, or missing curfew. I was a bit of a rebel in that regard. I was frequently on the other side of whippings and getting yelled at for not doing what I was told. After a whipping I was not allowed to leave my room, but I couldn't stand being cooped up so I would grab my ball and head to the courts. Oops, in trouble again.
There were very few acts of affection in our household. I know my parents loved me but they never said it, and they did not know how to openly show it. I barely remember being held or made to feel special. No matter what I did, it was not good enough. I was reminded of it almost daily. They did the best they could. My mom had experienced a very difficult and abusive childhood of her own. Her idea of love and protection was to control me by fear. Starving for attention and appreciation, I continued to turn to basketball - it was my means of dealing with the feeling of being unlovable, unworthy and just generally "not good enough".
Eventually, I received a full scholorship to North Carolina State University, where I became a four year starter, four-time All-ACC player, and All-American. My jersey was retired in 2000. Despite my success, however, I felt my coaches never really believed in me. I worked hard to overcome that and did not let it affect me. My parents attended very few games, and I spent very little time at home. During my sophomore year in college my parents separated and I often felt torn between them. It was a difficult time. I was trying to "find" myself and feeling as if I had very little support. I pressed on.
I spent the summers touring internationally with USA Basketball in hopes of becoming an Olympian. It was my lifelong dream. My dream was shattered in 1984 when I was not named to the Women's Olympic Basketball Team. I was devastated. The biggest event of my life had escaped me. I remember calling my mom after the disappointing news and it was one of the few times I felt she really understood me. Shortly after that I was on the run again, leaving to play professional basketball in Europe. I spent that time exploring my faith, "getting my legs" back and searching for my life purpose. Still, the hurt of my life dream coming to an abrupt end stayed with me. I could not let it go. For 9 years I held onto the fact I was simply "not good enough". In 1987 I left Europe and took my first head coaching job at Francis Marion College where I soon received more devastating news. On June 30 1987, my mom died. My heart was broken and I felt as if I was suffocating, I could not catch my breath! That period was the beginning of a major life shift for me. I began to contemplate why I was here. How could I begin to live my best life?
In June of 1991 my dad lost his battle to cancer and died. I was in the midst of my college coaching career as the head coach at the University of South Florida. It was a challenging situation. I coached for a decade but I did not reach the level of achievement I had hoped for. My college coaching career was filled with disappointments, challenges and losses. I left college coaching in 1996 and went to work for USA Basketball. Sixteen years after my Olympic dreams were shattered, I finally participated in the 2000 Olympics, not as an athlete but as an administrator. While at USA Basketball I began studying with the sports psychologist at the Olympic Training Center and founded my company LifeCoachDesigns, LLC. I discovered there are many people like myself who were searching for their authentic selves, their life purpose and acceptance.
In 2001, I returned to coaching, this time at the professional level. I spent 6 seasons coaching in the WNBA, the highest level of women’s professional basketball. The summer of 2005 was the most difficult of all. I suffered the worst season of my career. That summer was filled with losses (of friends, relationships and games), betrayal and heartache. I felt as if I had been run over by a truck, backed up and run over again. On the inside my spirit was broken but I maintained a tough exterior. My whole world had changed in a matter of months. What could I do?
I turned inward. I turned to my faith and began a spiritual journey that led me back to myself. I began to transform my life by eliminating unhealthy relationships from my life, going deeper into my yoga practice, beginning to heal the inner child in me that felt not good enough, unlovable, abandoned, and unworthy. I went to therapy. And I sought MY TRUTH.
Remember the truck? It was one of the best things that happened to me. It forced me to learn to be still, to stop running and to listen to me. I learned that Being Still leads to truth, peace, acceptance and personal power. I began to recognize the destructive mental patterns and the personal belief system that was causing me to fall short in my life.
I believed (wrongly) that if I worked hard enough, set enough goals and did everything right that everything would work out for me. That is so far from the truth. I kept setting goals and looking outward because I was afraid of the truth – afraid to accept the truth about what I believed about myself. I had neglected my authentic self, I had not dealt with the unfinished business in my life – the disappointment, the fear, the insecurities and the self-doubt.
My awaking began when I took responsibility for creating situations in my life. I became aware and began to use my power to consciously change my belief system. Magic happened! I began to take in that the Universe knows, and I am the same Intelligence that made the Universe. All Abundance is available to me, too!
My Truth is I am lovable, I am enough and I am okay. God made me okay the first time! My revelation is that I only need to be more accepting of me. I already have the Power within me to transform me. Every thought I have affects me. If I am not thinking abundance, joy, love and wellness then how could it come back to me?
I changed the negative thought patterns that were deeply ingrained in my subconscious mind and replaced them with positive affirmations. I cultivated stillness in my life and found strength in the present moment. I am letting go of control and manipulation. I have learned to live consciously and stay connected to my Center, my source of strength.
I am still on my journey; it is the process of life. I am applying the life tools, I am living with clarity, I am living joyously and my spirit is no longer sleeping. And the journey continues…
What will cause a shift in you? What will be your catalyst for a change? How will you design a life of transformation to live your best life now?
